Rookery’s Retro Review: Donkey Kong 3 (Nintendo Entertainment System)


Overall Score: 2 (of 5), Meh.

Story: Kong is angry!  Certainly not because of his dentist, I wish I could get my teeth as white.  Choose one player or two, sounds easy enough.  Game A or Game B?  I didn’t realize algebra was involved, must’ve fallen asleep in class to not know the difference between these two variables.  Game A sounds like a great start.  Kong, my unruly neighbor, is afraid of poinsettias being grown out of season so he punches beehives, much like we all would in his situation.

My home is the base of an Aztec temple built by an ancient unambitious labour union.  Despite living in a jungle, I’ve brought with me only my trusty pesticides to ward off all of nature’s various assaults regardless of numerous desist letters I’ve received from Greenpeace.  Lethal enraged insects come flying from hives as well as crawling from trees out of misdirected anger, ignoring their provoker who presumably had enough body odor to repel sunlight.  I myself repel Kong by blasting his crotch and armpits with poisonous fumigation as well as using the same gas to reclaim my precious plants being impressively plucked from the navy blue stone tile patio, then carried off by a single bee.  Furrowed brow caterpillars are chokingly stunned into worry when I spray them with my normal neurotoxin organophosphates, but when I cause Kong to flee up vines, the panicked ape accidently knocks down my special low density potent arsenic blend I’ve been storing up there for just such an occasion, which sprays even further.  All bugs now vaporize, at times dispersing into deadly shards of…insectness.

Alas, when Kong is finally chased into fleeing, frustrated ape punishes his arthropod allies by throwing one final knockout swipe to the honey producer’s homes, which come crashing down into a mash of comb.  Crisis averted, I can sell jars of honey to finance continued construction of my Aztec temple with poinsettia garden until Kong’s return.


Highlights:  jumping, shooting toxic gas, fairly easy maneuvering, accomplishable goals, decent graphics, 2 player mode to torture your friends as well

Lowlights:  repetition, story, logic, some sprite flicker, unnecessary timer, inevitable doom

Final Thought: A game for those who feel they must win anything with Kong in the title